I almost forgot it was sparkadia

With this warning I continue to think about how I am about to once again start over... throwing past lessons learned, memories, loves, and burdens into a bag to carry on my shoulders on yet another leg of this journey.  I have scars and bruises but I can't help but to think that somehow, through out it all, I've made it out on top.  I won't pay dues to my intelligence, and god knows I wont thank my beauty, but some other aspect has led my through.  

But I digress...

I mean to say that I am not afraid.  Please don't misinterpret this as ego or niave confidence, but rather a disarming contentness with myself.  I'm going to be okay.  I just had the floor fall right out from under my feet in so many areas in my life that I just don't have control anymore.  Between relationship, family, school, friends, and faith drama I had started to feel like I had become the worst version of myself after seeing myself in the best of light in Florence.  I think I had just lost all confidence because after a person has Amazing... one step down seems like hell.  After I walked away from Love.  After I walked away from the place that inspired me and is my Home.  After I realized the lies and started to stand up for myself.  After this, the inspiration fades and the world becomes more real.  And though certain areas deepen in the drama, I am finally getting that light to see me through.  I am royally screwed in too many ways.  I really am.  But I start again, with my guards up and wits on high.  I've done the worst, and pulled others into my own masochistic web but as a statement of hope... I am moving forward.  

Self proclomations on blog sites are futile.  And I'm a walking contradiction.  

On a similar note, who wants to go drinking?  Its been a while for me, I'm way past due.  

Dj Dan... Marry me.  

So after my less than perfect day, (but nothing to reallly complain about) I listened to Lift Disc 2, from my favorite boy Dan... and all the sudden I'm bouncing and giddy again.  This album changed my life, I didn't know they made music like that.  When I saw him and Donald Glaude at EDC - I didn't know what to do with myself...the most amazing musical hours of my life...

I don't really have anything of importance to say... 

happiness is to ensue.  

Home means being complete. 

Zoe's general advice for life:

1.  If you think you'll be depressed by making a certain choice, you probably will be

2.  Find your roots.  No matter the cost, maintain them.

3.  If you sleep with someone at work, know that others will probably find out...certain drama may ensue

4.  Don't blog while tipsy...fuck... I'm doing it now

5.  Always attend tomorrow's ELECTRIC DAISY CARNIVAL where I will be rocking out with my 40,000 other best friends tomorrow night in LA listening to live productions from Benny Benassi, Moby, DJ DAN, Donald Glaud, DJ Hype and BOIZE NOIZE

Quando sono depressa, scrivo della mia vita'...pero' la non e' interessante.  Aspetto per un sogno d'italia... spero che potrebbe ritornare al mio posto vicino il davide in palazzo vecchio... sono stata il megliore versione della mia anima, e adesso sono il peggio.  Bisogno di avere la mia inspirazione, bisogno di avere l'arte italiane, i miei professori, la mia caffe' liberta', i miei amici italiani... non so che faccio senza italia... 

That word pretty much expresses my anger and frustration for many aspects in my life right now.  I'll save you the angry rant, however, just to blow off some steam, I'd like to repeat the word that sums up my mood...Fuck!

Secondly, I'm starting to research the scary reality of what I am to do with my life after I get my Bachelors at Pepperdine.  Grad school?  In Europe or America?  Peace Corps?  Marine Corps?  Granted I have two full years until decisions will need to be made, but I like to start early when I have the time.  

I am so torn between homes, and it just hurts now to think of where I'd rather be.  Even speaking Italian, writing my friends in Firenze has become hard because my nostalgia gets the best of me.  I'm pushing them away because I'm frustrated that I'm not there.  I have become jealous.  I hate that side of me, and need to start thinking of my separation in a positive light, or I'll ruin it.  And to my beautiful rockstars in Los Angeles, I feel like I belong to you all too, and you know I'll be back in 2 short weeks, 2 short months for to stay for good.  I feel like living in Tucson is like serving prison time.  But I know I'm taking out all my pessimism on this city, and its not exactly warranted.  

When all is said and done though, what I hate most about being spread around the globe is exactly what I love most about myself.  It will be a constant battle, and depending on my mood, its all relative if I am frustrated or inspired.  Thats what vocation is, you do what you have to do, because you don't really have a choice.  Its my vocation to help meld cultures in diplomacy using language and my passion for travel.  Whatever yours is, just do it.  Whatever it is, do it.  This seems so cliche' but I guess I'm sick of being around people with such potential and do nothing with it.  

So Angie's new movie... I'm excited.  You should be too.

Angie running around with a gun and black eyeliner, showing off her hot tattoos.  There could be more of a plot line, but I wasn't really paying attention... and don't lie, you were too busy watching her as well. Samuel L Jackson is in it too, and of course he is badass, like always.  

I was a pool bum today.  It felt amazing.  Despite the fact that it was too hot for my particular taste, I could make this a habit.  I may be a little pink, but nothing beats losing time to a good book, sun rays, new music and a margarita.

oh and I may be the last to know, but apparently lindsay lohan is a little gay now... 

I called Los Angeles home yesterday.  I'm not sure if this was sub-conscious or not.  The idea of "home" is a joke to me really, but thats what I get for moving every three years of my life, and for the past three years moving every one year--so needless to say, the sense of home is scattered in faces, cafes, clubs, beaches, and churches from Australia to Italy to California, and to now, Arizona.  However, my weekend spent in Cali meant seeing people who genuinely miss me, and I saw the void that I used to fill.  I saw my university, awaiting my return.  I saw the owner of a  rave/club/music production crew who quickly offered me a job.  I have so much to go back to, when the time is right.  I know I am supposed to be here in AZ now, I think I might just be waiting for the real reason and effect of my being here.  I came back to Tucson, instead of Cali primarily because my father wasn't doing too well, and after the recent break up with my ex, whom I was going to move in with (and instead broke it off with) I wasn't ready/willing/capable of making any other choice other then the easiest.  Its a little uncomfortable to move out of my parents' house at 17 and be independent for three years then to find myself living back in the city I went to high school in.  But at least this time shows me how much I've drastically changed in the past three years, and also shows me where I feel most attached...this being of course my smog infested Los Angeles, and the city that stole my heart... Florence.  And as for this sense of "home"...well its inside my self, and projected tangibly in my tattoos and piercings from each city that has meant something to me, and in all the faces of friends and family that I couldn't ever forget.  "Home" won't ever be in a city for me, and though I keep trying to contain that concept into a box relying on location, I know it won't ever work.  

And just because I'm feeling a little homesick, for well, everywhere... a few photos of home...

 Firenze style...

                        

                                                                 and a few from home, Los Angeles stye...